I am not a fan of spiders, I hate them. Big spiders, little spiders I do not want them around me. I try to avoid all places that have or might have them.
One beautiful summer day I noticed my dog madly barking at something in the front yard. I went out to check on it and he was barking at a very large hairy spider. I have no idea what kind of spider it was, I did not care then. And I do not care now. This thing was huge and it was in my yard. I ran into the shed, momentarily forgetting that the shed is infested with little spiders. I tore through their cobwebs looking for a chemical solution to the big problem in the yard. My hand closed upon the cool metal cylinder that contained a high pressure spider murdering component. Success!
I dove out of the shed holding a can of Raid. I bravely walked up to where the spider was, somehow managed to get the dog to vacate the general vicinity and let fly with my weapon of mass spider destruction. The spider not only survived the onslaught but other than being covered with liquid seemed to just continue on his way. I hit him again, and again, and again. Now I have a wet spider in the yard.
I went through several options. I could stomp on it. No too big. I could hit it with something. I threw the can of Raid at the creature but the can missed and bounced harmlessly away. This was not good. Then my mind hit upon the only thing that will kill everything, even xenomorphs. Fire! I ran inside and grabbed a box of wooden matches off the counter. Once back outside I distracted the dog, who was once again barking at horrid thing. Not only was it still moving it was covered in poison so even more reason to keep the dog off it.
I lit the first match and threw it at the spider. I missed. I missed with the second, third, and fourth attempt. The fifth match landed on the spider and it erupted into a ball of blue flame that was now running at high speed in random directions all over the front yard. I was suddenly faced with an erratic and fast moving ignition source starting spot fires all over the yard. In desperation I finally just stomped on him and then proceeded to stomp out the other small fires. It took a bit of dancing and other than some charred sections of the yard everything was fine.
My mother came home later that day. Being a mother she noticed the multiple burned areas in the front yard so she asked me what happened.
“Oh just a spider.” I replied.