Aurora was ok I guess but gangs had started to move into our area, crime increased and after having booth our vehicles vandalized in one night we decided to move on. Jonette had completed a monster sale with what was then US West, our local phone company, and we suddenly had a nice down payment for a new home. We went on the hunt and found a large house on a good bit of land south of Denver in a place called Castle Pines North. We were happy to get out of suburbia and into an area with more space. Jonette was really excited and got even more so when she noticed that there were red wing blackbirds in the back yard.
“David look, Red wing black birds, they are so pretty!”
“Yes, yes, they are very nice.” I responded while memories of being endlessly attacked by the demon spawned things while riding my bike home from school came into my head.
Jonette then stated that she wanted to feed them and asked me what they ate. I told her that feeding them was a bad idea and that I had no clue what they ate but I suspected they feasted on baby animals, first born humans, and washed it all down with unicorn blood. I once again said that feeding red wing blackbirds is not a good idea, but Jonette was determined to feed the little demons so off we went to the Wild Bird Center to purchase bird feeding supplies.
We walk into the store and Jonette again asked me what red wing blackbirds eat. I said maybe we can find a small child here and they can eat on it for a week or so. Jonette decided that I was not being helpful and walked up to one of the employees. She explained that there were red wing blackbirds in the back yard and that she wanted to feed them. “You really do not want to do that mam.” The employee, Bob, replied. I nodded my head in agreement but Jonette was determined. Bob relented and said that black birds will eat sunflower seeds, and directed us to a 50 pound sack of seeds and a bird feeding dish of some kind. Jonette was a bit worried about the size of the bag and that only a couple birds were in the yard. Bob assured her that the 50 pound bag was not more than we needed. Jonette pointed to the bag of sunflower seeds, “Carry that for me” she demanded.
We get home and I install the bird feeding dish and fill it with sunflower seeds. I taste one, yea definitely for the birds. The first day or two not much happened. As time went on the number of blackbirds and the noise they make started to exponentially increase. By the end of the month our back yard was covered with blackbirds. I refused to go into the back yard and after Jonette experienced a few of her own Tippi Hedren moments back there she joined me in the no back yard policy. Once we were no longer willing to risk feeding them anymore the black birds moved on and left us in peace. We went back to the Wild Bird Center and requested a blackbird proof way to feed the other more desirable feathered friends.
The very next summer, after the black birds had cleared out, Jonette wanted to build a deck. At the time we just had a small concrete slab off the back sliding glass door into the yard. Jonette noticed that there was a hole under the slab and it was a rabbit warren. Earlier in the year it had disgorged a handful of tiny rabbits. I said “good we can get rid of those rabbits if we build a deck.” “NO!” jonette replied “rabbits are cute and fuzzy and I like them, the rabbits stay.” As construction started on the deck her primary instruction was that the rabbit warren was not to be disturbed in any way. Amazingly the deck was completed and the rabbits were not overly disturbed. Thus was sown the seeds of my pain and suffering over the next 8 years. The rabbits happily continued doing what rabbits are designed to do, eat, poop, and make more rabbits.
It was not long before the worthless pests were eating bald spots in our yard. The bald spots had the added bonus of being filled with rabbit excrement. Jonette wanted to plant flowers in the front of the house. We purchased 250 dollars’ worth of pansies to put into the flower beds. After a day of work Jonette stood back and looked over her masterpiece of color. We went inside and the rabbits descended upon the feast that we had laid out for them. It took less than a week for the Jonette’s cute fuzzy bunnies to consume every single flower. Lesson, rabbits are destructive, their wake is a desolate wasteland.
Jonette goes to the garden center and comes back with more flowers and a secret weapon against the furry terror. She hands me a small bottle of yellow orange liquid. “What is it?” “Fox urine.” Jonette replies. “There is actual fox pee in this bottle?” “Yes fox urine, once we are done planting the flowers you need to put this down around the flower beds.” Damn rabbits, because of them I am now sprinkling fox piss around the front yard. The fox pee actually worked and the rabbits avoided the flowers for the rest of the summer. If I thought fox piss was gross the winter held an even worse surprise.
The house had an air intake into the basement for the furnace and water heater. It was a six inch conduit that came in at ground level and then down into the basement. Rabbits like holes and this is a big one. Rabbits started sneaking into the conduit and then falling into the basement. Rabbits being immensely stupid would then run and hide. I would not know about them till they were dead and rotting on the basement floor. Several times a year I would go down smell them and scrape their dead carcasses off the floor with a shovel. Rabbits are dumb.
But not dumb enough to be tricked by fox urine for a second year. And we resort to non rabbit friendly flowers. I am continuing to find dead rabbits in the basement and our yard looks like it has been bombed due to rabbit damage. Jonette finally calls in a rodent removal company and they proceed to set traps around the house. Over 3 months we removed about 70 of the creatures per month. We never did manage to alleviate the rabbit problem. They just found new and creative methods of destruction along with their standard operation mode of eat, poop, and make more rabbits.
I cannot stand rabbits. Our new place has one or two of them around but it got so bad even Jonette will no longer tolerate the beasts in numbers.
Bunny Suicides is a good thing. Nothing good comes from bunnies.