How Not to Get Tech Support, Case Study 1

From time to time we will all need to contact tech support for hardware or software problems. There are ways to guarantee that your issues will not be resolved no matter how much the support person on the other end of the line wants to assist you. Here is a good example.

Caller: “How come your program no (sic) work when I upgrade?”

Me: “Can you give me details on how the program is not working?”

Caller: “Your program no work”

Me: “Are you not able to log in? Are you not getting data? How is the program not working?”

Caller: “Your program no work!”

Me: “Are you using product 1 or product 2?”

Caller: “I am using product 1 why it no work? It say connection is slow”

*Ok at this point I know that he can log into the product but is not getting a good connection, now I need to find out why*

Me: “How are you connecting to the internet? Broadband? Wireless? Cell Phone Card?

Caller “Your program no work! say slow connection, why?”

*Now I am beginning to realize that I will not be able to get any information from this customer so I decide to try and connect into his pc to determine what the hell is going on. We use a software package called Bomgar to perform remote connections and troubleshooting. If I can get him to connect with that I can fix it*

Me: I need to connect into your computer to see why the program is not working. Please go to our home page http://www.xyz.com so I can connect into your system.

Caller: Your program no work! Why? It say slow connection to data server!

Me: Please go to our website so I can connect into your PC and fix the problem.

Caller: “Your program no work!”

Me: “Are you on our web page?”

Caller: “Your program no work!”

Me: “Ok I need you to go to our website or I cannot help you. Go to w w w . x y z . com

Caller ” w w w . x y z . com Your program no work! It say slow connection to data server! Why?”

Me: “Are you on our website”

Caller: “I no want to go to website your program no work!”

*caller hangs up*

I do not know of any tech support person that has a “fix customer pc” button on their desk or a magic wand. I really do wish one existed I would get one in a heartbeat. A computer or a computer program is a complicated thing, similar to a car. No one would dream of just calling the local car mechanic after their vehicle conked out on the highway and say “My car is broken… fix it” Unfortunately there are quite a few people out there that think tech support can just press a button and everything will be fine.

Tech support people do not have ESP, the closest thing I have is ESPN and I am not a huge sports fan so I rarely watch it, and I cannot read minds. The more information you give me the quicker a solution can be found. If I ask a question please answer and be honest. If you lie or withhold information it makes everything so much harder on both of us. If you were surfing for porn and got a virus I am going to find out eventually so it does no good to try and hide that fact. I don’t know is also a perfectly acceptable answer, It is amazing how many times I can just ask the same question a different way and get the information I need.

Also do not be paranoid. If I want to connect into your pc I just want to fix the problem. I do not care about anything else on your pc. I also have no interest in messing anything up. I want your problem fixed just as bad as you do and for me to deliberately cause more issues is not in my best interest.

In the end the more you help me help you the quicker you can be on your way.

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About ikcewicasa

Ikcewicasa means common man in Lakota. I guess that describes me. I am turning 40 next year. I have a college degree and I have a professional job. The blog is just random stuff. I try and keep most of my posts humorous in nature sprinkled with a bit of American Indian items, soundtracks (which I love), food (something I also love) and movies (when I have the money and time to go see them. so basically ramblings that rattle around in my mind. Hope you enjoy. Like what you read? comment and re post. don't like what you read, let me know as well. ALL STORIES ON THIS SITE ARE ABSOLUTELY TRUE... EXCEPT THE PARTS I MAKE UP!
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2 Responses to How Not to Get Tech Support, Case Study 1

  1. Bru says:

    Ha ha, “Your program no work!”

    I get dumb customers at work too. They call, ask for someone, then when I transfer and they get voice mail, it goes like this:

    *calls operator back*
    Me: This is Bru, can I help you?
    Stupid: I got his vooooiicccce maaaaaaaaaiiilllll.
    Me: Did you leave a message?
    Stupid: Nooooooooooooooooooo……
    Me: (in mind) Well What the hell do you want ME to do about it, you dimwitted goober!?
    (out loud) I’m sure he just stepped away from his desk for a moment, blah blah blah.

    Eventually I get them back into the voice mail to leave a message. It’s like their brains fall out on the desk before they call!

  2. ikcewicasa says:

    Oh God, I get the voicemail thing all the time.

    Update: This moron has called at least 3 more times today so 3 other techs have gone through the exact same conversation.

    *I hear stupid people*

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